De-Clutter or get no SEX!!!

I dunno about you, but that's pretty much all I heard!

I started thinking "Do I want to hold on to that bag of 500 STAR WARS TIES, or do I want to get my woman in the mood"?

- But wait, don't the Star Wars Ties turn her ON?

I really liked that he said clutter is either "I might need it ater" or it's "Memories". I have to admit, I don't have too many "Memories" stuff, but I am MUCH more of a "I might need it later" guy:

Maybe I DON'T need all of those extra stereo parts, wires, speakers, computer parts, digital clocks, and old sex toys.

Old sex toys?

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Ok, Ok, so now I'm scanning the house for what else I can throw out or sell on Craig's List

Didn't think of THAT did you? Well, if you want some Star Wars Ties, better let me know!

Wild Hogs... sorta.

Ok, hold it. Four men talking for an HOUR, all about mid-life crises and riding motorcycles-

BUT TALK OF BAGGIN' CHICKS ON THE ROAD????

C'mon!!!

I'm not saying that they WERE doing it, but guys TALK about it, don't we?

That's cool; I was just glad to have a whole episode devoted to calling each other names, writing songs denegrating each other, and over-boasting-

MAN-STUFF BABY!!!!!!

Why is grandma walking around naked?

OK, so I'm all for real beauty at any age and all of that, but I have to admit that I'd be a little freaked out if I saw my grandma NAKED on a billboard in Times Square.

Am I alone here?

All the women on this show were super-cute, and the make-overs are admittedly my favorite things; It's just neat-o to see this frumpy raggedy thing become a sexy vibrant woman- it's like magic!

That's what you gotta do- you gotta find a woman who doesn't know she's hot, and then "bring it out" of her- it's like bargain shopping!

My mom couldda been on the show- she looks great for her age, and I'm SURE she's watching just waiting to see if anyone beats her!

Hold on- I guess my Mom would be the right age to be on that Times Square Billboard...

That would be worse I think...

"Mom, put your clothes on!"

THIS is what I like- Rags to Riches!

Millionaire Mom "Sherry"- Crafty, Cutey, CASH-BABY!!!!

So, she used her cute idea, went to the internet, and started glueing them in her basement. One year later, Their business was bought for 20 MILLION DOLLARS.

Yeah baby.

Now look, there's a BIG difference between selling stuff out of your basement and moving to a 12,000 sq. foot facility, and 3000 retail stores. It's an entirely different skill set, and it was pretty evident that she's learned a lot along the way. As a FAMILY business, their marriage is more likely to last- sorry guys!

Then cutesy grandma Paula Dean came out, sounding like Sherrif Buford T. Justice from Smokey and the Bandit. A broke, single mother of two with AGORAPHOBIA cooks to calm her nerves, and then started selling her sandwiches.

So, we get to watch her cook something, and in one of the funniest Oprah moments, she DROPS THE BOWL into the mixer!

Just as her son was saying "Yeah, I'm nervous- Momma's on OPRAH toda-" and BOOM!!

Sour cream everywhere!

Then we got to watch some skinny chicks in wedding dresses. I admit- I think I like the cocktail dress the most, but only because it WASN'T a wedding dress!

Then there was the Scrap metal chick- "If he can do it, I can do it"

It became a little bit of a bitch session about the men who didn't think she;d make it-
Boo-Hoo.

She proved 'em wrong, and aren't we all proud.

Bra clips- Meh.
Round changing pad- Good move
Days Ago- Seems like a good idea, seems like a sad state that we need them!

So now, what's MY woman gonna make to get us rich, huh?
I'll let you know!

A Bunch of Suprises for Oprah!

I have to admit- The first act, David and Dania is really amazing- like
"WHAT THE F*CK?" They were on "America's Got Talent" before, Here it is:



But the STAR of this episode, as far as I'm concerned is Sarah Blakely and SPANX-

I AM IN LOVE WITH SARAH BLAKELY.

She had an idea, she took the $5000 she had in her savings, and made her vision into $100 Million in sales- and did I tell you hot HOT she is??


And then she did it:

She gave away ONE MILLION DOLLARS to Oprah's foundation.

I AM IN LOVE

By the way, when I saw the brothers and their AMAZING feats of strength, I got 5 words for them:

I CAN DO THAT.

ALONE.

Dude- how do you get your LEGS that STRONG??? HOLY CRAP!!!!

39 and 41.... damn.

I felt better when I saw how short one of them was!

I don't do no crosswords, but I have to admit, I felt a little.... FEMININE
when I was guessing the "Oprah Crossword"

That "Self-Parking Car" was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lame!!!

But then again, it doesn't HAVE to do the job really well to do it better than a lot of women, right? It'll sell until people realize it doesn't work!

Death Defying- Oprah Style

Ok, the end of this episode has one of the STRANGEST, CRAZIEST throwaway quotes- I can't wait to talk about it. But let's start at the beginning:

"Teddy-Bear isn't a very manly (name), but..."

And there ya go- that's why this guy DEFIES DEATH by eating termites, jumping into frozen waters, bites fish's heads off, eats raw eggs, eats dead zebra carcasses and fights off sharks-

Because they called him "Teddy Bear"

So, instead of becoming an over-weight, furry, cuddly guy, he became "BEAR" and has his own SURVIVAL TV show.

And for the ladies- he got naked. I wanna get all those oohs and ahhhs when I get naked!

And then came the ELECTRIFYING experience!

Did you SEE those pants?
Bleeding out of his EYE?
Wait- 30 MILLION volts?

and what does he say?

"It hurt really bad"- They are friends for LIFE now!

Good thing he was praying to God to help him and his friend out of it:

"Dear God, please send someone to save us from the lightning you sent"
"Dear God, please help me to remember the CPR so I can save the friend you killed"

Yes, I sound cynical, but so what?

By the way- Flash Avalanches are why I don't ski.

Ok, Ok, also because I'm Latino- I like BEACHES, not SNOW.

Speaking of Latino, then Mr. Diaz's story- The 747 that not only tried to take off in a storm, but WENT DOWN THE WRONG WAY?????

So then he tells us his whole story- and you can tell how profoundly scary that must have been. He mentioned the other people being engulfed, and screaming, and heat. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone.

Well, maybe Kim Jong Il.

So here's where the craziness started:

Oprah asked if he felt his survival was "divine", as in if he thought whether or not his escape was ordained somehow, and he said no.

But THEN he started saying that he saw "lights" leaving people's bodies, and he was convinced that it was their souls. He later said that he'd been changed in that he is now more empathetic towards people, and that he wants his aura to be as bright as possible.

and then he said it:

"I'm trying to get my aura much brighter than all of yours" !!!!!

WHAT????????????

Is getting your aura bright a COMPETITION???

Well, I guess to some. I write about that idea more in my personal blog.

Oscar Preview Episode.... MY FUTURE!!!!

Hey- I'm an ACTOR, so even though this episode may seem SOOOO BOOORING for most people:

"Ohh- isn't Abigail SO cute"
"Ooh- 2 DAMES in one show"

For me, I'm watching so I can see what questions Oprah is going to ask ME when I get nominated for best actor.

And that Abigail IS cute, isn't she?