Oscar Preview Episode.... MY FUTURE!!!!

Hey- I'm an ACTOR, so even though this episode may seem SOOOO BOOORING for most people:

"Ohh- isn't Abigail SO cute"
"Ooh- 2 DAMES in one show"

For me, I'm watching so I can see what questions Oprah is going to ask ME when I get nominated for best actor.

And that Abigail IS cute, isn't she?

Incredible Families- Why I'm scared of kids....

Didn't the Pete's seem SO HAPPY before they had kids?

Why does everyone say that?

I think my parents were happy until I came around....sniff, sniff.

My favorite quote of the day: "Let's just say that there's a lot of bullets in the gun"

Awesome.

But hold on- he has an appointment with "Dr. Snippy" and he keeps putting it off-

NO KIDDING!!

Why doesn't SHE go see "Dr. Tie-The-Tubee"?

Anyway- Those African kids must sing REEEEEEAAAALLLLY well, huh?

Normally I'm not big on religious people; I find that religion divides us more often than it unites us, but just as the Catholic Church has been both the best and worst force in humanity, religion can bring out both the best and worst in people.

In this case, I am thrilled that these families felt "God talk to [their] hearts" and had them adopt these african boys. I don't knkow if I have the capacity to be so generous, but these families religion and spirituality inspired them to take a "step of faith".

I think it's beautiful.

And you're damn right- I'd have a "Seargent Mentality" too!

And then there's the gay family.

With the FLAMING son.

Ok, I'm not saying they MADE him like that or anything, and I'm glad that he found a place to be, with apparently good role models. No parents are perfect, and these don't need to be either.
But let's face it- the second James started talking- I think we all knew what the deal was there.

and quadruplets- sounds like 4 HEADACHES at once!

America's Debt Diet

Oops! I forgot to write about this one!

Well, lemme say this- Jean Chatzky is cute.

And she's got money.

Seems like a good catch to me!

But seriously folks, as helpful as this show is, all the advice was about STRETCHING your current income, or lowering your lifestyle- NO ONE WAS TALKING ABOUT CREATING MORE MONEY!!

Sure, a couple of people took new JOBS, but that doesn't make you RICHER- it makes you TIRED.

No one was advised to try to start a part-time business, or an internet business, write a book, consult with your expertise, sell cookies- whatever!

Speaking of cookies- Those "Smart cookies" looked pretty DAMN tasty to me!

I'm really glad that when the couples got their money together, that their marriages got better too- it's like money is the energy of choice, and if your partner is making choices behind your back, that's just beggig for trouble.

Predator caught, and conjoined twins...

I am a choked-up fool....

yeah, yeah- they caught another predator- good- f*ck him.

But then the TWINS!!!! The TWINS!!!!

What AGONIZING choices- to birth them, to keep them, to separate them-

and they're ok!!!

Ok, so this is the stuff that gets me- I was a snot-nosed, wet-eyed fool.

One sister keeps the liver, and the other will get her mothers'.
But then one of my friends asked "Who gets to keep the vagina?"
Sicko.
But it DID make me wonder.....

and then Patrick and his DAD!!!

What man doesn't admire that DAD??

Did you see him SO PROUD of his son?

"The Future Dr. Schneider" was super-cute with his little accent, and saying "I hope the baby follows in my footsteps"- what footsteps?!?!

Paying it forward- There's nothing like empowering and inspiring people to go for their dreams-
The woman who took the homeless people to "Pursuit of Happyness" had such a great idea.

The other gifts were of course wonderful, but I really believe in teaching people to fish versus giving a fish.

I 'm looking forward to reading "Measure of a Man", despite that I know so very little about Sidney Poitier; I just think he's before my time!

It feels good to say that- it seems like more and more things aren't!

30- Something Women

Wait- Hold-on....

6.3 MILLION Single 30-year-old women?

Sounds like a PARTY to me!!
I tried to explain to my wife that she's being SELFISH by keeping me all to herself, but she wasn't having it.... yet.

"I don't think I'm intimidating"- Oprah basically told her that she seemed "expensive" to keep. I say that she seemed like someone who didn't "need a man" for anything- so what the HELL am I dating you for? Guys like to be a HERO- no one wants to help someone who doesn't want them!

"I deserve better than someone who wouldn't be interested in that"- and that got an APPLAUSE??? An APPLAUSE???
Are you JOKING? With 4 kids, there IS a barrier there- get real! MOST GUYS would NOT be interested in a woman with 4 kids- and not because they're SHALLOW- but because it's a WHOLE LOT of responsibility at once! It's like dating 5 women at once- but not the fun way!

I'm not saying that it's hopeless, just that to look down on a guy who isn't interested in that is UNREALISTIC. Besides, I have a feeling that she EXPECTS that, so it happens anyway.

Husbands like to be IMPORTANT- they like to be #1- and so do wives. If you've got your JOB first, or your KIDS first, or whatever, guess what-it's hard for a guy to see himself there.

How awesome was the interview with the Orthodox Sunni Muslim? I am NOT so excited about religion in general, but it was fascinating to have Oprah ask her questions to educate the rest of us. "Do you believe in God?" "You don't lie, cheat or steal?"

BUT- hold on... Who wants a PERSONAL TRAINER who covers up her body?

How do you know if she's any good if you can't see her body?

Any religion that covers women up is NOT for me!

Speaking of religions that aren't for me:

"We home-school because we want a 'Christ-centered' education"

"What's Two Crosses plus Two Crosses?"

"Salvation?"

"That's right!"

But hey- that's what they wanna do, I guess!

Now can I just say how BAD I feel for the woman who's having trouble with getting pregnant?

It's not that I feel bad for her trouble, but that she is SO wracked up with guilt about it, and that she is SO angry about it. "My life is about children" she said.

Now look, she's a hottie, sitting there all proper with her crossed legs and everything; I want he to CHILL OUT, and just have a bunch of sex... and videotape it.

I happened to watch the "after the show" episode which was ALL about this woman, and I posted it on my personal blog.

So- you heard it single guys- 6.3 MILLION single women out there- HAPPY HUNTING!!!

Gary Zukav on Relationships

5 words that describe my marriage?

Wonderful
Cutesy
Fun
Huggy
Loving

Whew- made it over that hurdle- but really, is there a word missing? Yes.

Pornographically filthy.

I'm working on that one... and I have a feeling most guys are too.
Let me know how that's going.

Anyway- "SPIRITUAL PARTNERSHIPS"

Can Gary Zukav be any MORE "out there"? Did ANYONE know what the hell he's talking about? I've actually read "Seat of the Soul", and I had to put it down- I almost NEVER do that, but he is so "Airy-fairy", that Oprah had to keep bringing him down to Earth. She had to keep "translating" his jargon into real-people speak.

Wait a sec- he was a green beret?

Look, I get it- having a partnership that helps you "grow" in the direction you want- great.

THAT'S a spiritual partnership, and isn't that great.

"Sheila and Jake" were SO BRAVE to get on TV and say all those things, and they obviously love each other: "I would endure anything to hold on"- they were both TERRIFIED of losing each other, so they hurt each other which does what?

Pushes each other away!

It's so hard to get out of that cycle, and Oprah was SO great by translating and helping them.

But I got a message for Jake:

You pussied out, man!

When Sheila said "I just want him to tell me he loves me", he could have- on National TV in front of women around the world- just turned and said "I love you Sheila"

And BOOM- that wouldda done it.

And even if they DID end up apart, with all the women who saw him do that on Oprah, he'd have had dates for the rest of his life!!!

Lisa and Alistair- She's just fighting so they have something to talk about!

Chris and Lisa- Chris justs wants to get the same attention that the spreadsheets get! Chris isn't interested in a "Spiritual Partnership"- he wants to HAVE FUN!!!

Can you blame him? SPREADSHEETS for MEALS????

So, after all of his "Airy-Fairy"ness, Zukav WAS pretty helpful to each of the couples- WITH OPRAH TRANSLATING. As for the "spiritual partnership"..... meh.

**************************************************************
I saw the "After the Show" segment, and I now think he's full of it.
More than that- I think he's a feminized pansy.

A couple asked the question: "How much is enough sex?" and Zukav basically told the man that he was wrong to want more sex than his wife. HE DIDN'T ASK ANY OTHER QUESTION.
Why isn't SHE wrong for wanting LESS sex than her husband?
That's it- done with Zukav.

Elizabeth Vargas and Can Women Have It All?

Lemme get this straight- Elizabeth Vargas was pregnant, and her co-anchor just got BLOWN UP for following the news.....

BLOWN UP.

If I were her husband, I would have knocked her up TWICE just to keep her home instead of going off to places to get BLOWN UP!

But the question is bigger than her, right? CAN women be mothers and pursue careers at the same time?

Single moms don't have much choice, do they- but:

Are working moms self-centered, wanna-be men, procreators who don't REALLY love their kids?

Are Stay-At-Home moms useless throw-backs with no lives who are holding their gender back and can be replaced by minimum-wage immigrants?

Seems like a no-win situation- Unless you DON'T CARE what other people think.

But I have the solution: DON'T HAVE KIDS!! THAT'S THE SOLUTION!!!!!

Just imagine how COOOOOOL everything would be if there were no kids:

Rap Music wouldn't need those parental advisory stickers!
Disneyworld would be like VEGAS!
Porn would be on BROADCAST TV!

Ok, ok- if you've seen CHILDREN OF MEN, you know that a world with no kids would be DEPRESSING. So, I'm just kidding.

Here's my take:

A Great deal of people are working because they NEED THE MONEY.

If a family doesn't need the money, then have someone stay home- mom or dad.
If you do- then someone has to work, right?

Who knows what's better? There will NEVER be a "right" answer, so YOU must choose what's right for you.

Duh.

I say we let everyone make their choice, and help them however we can.

Shawn Hornbeck and Ben Ownby...

Let me just say this:

There is NO PUNISHMENT cruel enough or unusual enough for someone who commits these crimes.

Look, I DO have sympathy for pedophiles who are sick and hate themselves while they jack off in the closet. What is completely and totally unacceptable is the one who ACTS, and destroys someone's life.

And not just the kids' lives.

The parents whose lives are completely turned upside down, and the community that adds ANOTHER point of mistrust to each other, ANOTHER pointof fear, ANOTHER point of lonliness.

Someone gets a lot of jail time for stealing money, jewelry, or a car-

How much should they get for stealing FOUR YEARS?

A Mish-Mosh Show...

So, Oprah opened up her Leadership Academy For Girls in South Africa- how awesome is THAT? I hear that some people are mad that she did that out there instead of opening one here in America.

Those people are morons.

Actually, more to the point, those people want Oprah to do for THEM instead of doing for who OPRAH wants to do for- to those people I say- Shut up, stop begging, and open your own damn school.

Also, Forrest Whitaker talked about winning the Golden Globe. He was cool- Shifty eye and everything!

Simon Cowell is awesome- he just tells it as he sees it, and I have never had a problem with him. He's now created a slew of reality shows, and the people are eating them up- good for him!
Everytime I see a new "contestant show", they try to make one of the judges an asshole- but that's NOT what he's doing. He's just telling it as HE sees it- and in my opinion, he's right.

In "Jenna's American Sex Star Search"- or whatever it's called (Let's just say "American Sex Idol"), they have Ed Powers there being mean, but that's just an act. That's dumb.

Next, Felicity Huffman was there promoting her new book- ANOTHER book about how men should cater and beg for women.... at least, that's what I heard!
She says we should be more like boyfriends..... I dunno about you, but "being a boyfriend" means keeping my options open! Hell, if I knew that she wanted a BOYFRIEND instead of a husband, I'd sure as HELL not wear my wedding ring at the gym! But I guess it's too late, I'm already in love with my wife..... damn.

Speaking of in love, Eva Longoria is a SUPER-CUTEY!
Felicity says all the guys were drooling all over Eva, and not paying attention to her,
but Felicity- WE'VE SEEN YOU WITH A PENIS!!

Then came Rachel Roy with her trench coat and lisp.... I dunno which one was more distracting, but it's a good thing she was pretty- and the clothes were pretty too-
that skinny blonde came out like 4 times, and the older woman with the grey hair had a little SWING in her step- all right GMILF!!!

That's right, I said it.

So, we'd all like to work at Google- great. ANOTHER reason to suckle at their teet!

Next time- Kidnapped kids... I have a feeling I'm gonna break down on THAT one....

Bob Greene's Best Life...

ANOTHER Weight loss show...

You might think that I didn't bother watching it, but I did-

I wanted to know what ELSE I couldn't eat this year- but I was glad to see that I already don't eat the top ten worst foods, so.... there- done.

BUT- I watched it because I REALLY wanted to see what the "new" bodies looked like.

I have to admit, I like the "train wreck" part of these shows, where you see just how HUGE some of the women are, and then when they come out looking all cute, you KNOW that they're suddenly looking for some sex... I'm just saying- they probably are.

I would!

The short one was super-cute- the one who lost 137 pounds (ok, ok, so now she needs a little dental work), and one of them came out showing off her arms just sending out the signal:

"Now that I'm thin, I wanna get some"

That's the point of these weight loss shows, right?

Get thin, and get some action- now THAT'S a "Best Life"!!!